Friday, October 10, 2014

Brief an meine kleine Schwester

Dearest D-ninja,

You need to hear this from me. Even though I apologized many times, part of me knows that you will never admire me/trust me/ love me the same as you did when you were small anymore. And that hurts me so much more than I let on because let's face it- I would have done anything for you or J-Dawg. You especially, I treated like my own baby when you were born, I changed your diapers, helped feed you and burp you, defended you even when dad hit your butt that time (at my own peril lol), and carried/pushed you around with me to the grocery store, around Kiel, etc...I was good to Jenny too, but because I am 9 years older than you, I was more mature by the time you and I met babes XD (bromance at first sight <3) That day our 3rd aunt brought you to the airport with her t fly to China was one of the saddest days in my life. I cried on the bunk-bed Jenny n I shared while you were bouncing up and down- you saw me cry and pretend-cried too which made me laugh..and then you peed all over my bed and made me laugh through my tears. I gave our aunt my own neck-pillow for YOU to use on the plane- later I found out she used it herself :/.

Back when our family life was so messed up- you & J, English classes, sports, and T. (T.T) were the best parts of my own life.  

About 2 years ago, I moved out within a day, stayed with T's family for a week while looking for my own place, and you thought I abandoned you... well, I never abandoned you. At least not willingly. I asked you often how you were and if you needed groceries, but you seemed so independent and besides, J Dawg and that trashy-no good- rat were there. 

Because of the noise while I had work the next day, I was so scared of regressing back to 2010 when you saw me at my worst- where I truly lost my soul and mind and body and control and blacked out for a couple days and to this day, don't remember every single detail like I usually do...I ran and tried to stabilize my sleep pattern as soon as I noticed that you and J were staying up late and loud (with her Mexican friends that night until 3 the basement). 

By then, I was doing ok at work, I had a promotion already, and I saw purpose. You guys threatened my sleep and my well being with your inconsiderate (I will call it "teenage") behavior and so I left before I'd harm myself again by drinking alcohol (which is so stupid- I had 2 mini wine bottles last year around spring time and it doesn't even help chase the bad thoughts away and made me see snakes and animals when it was dark in my room...haha my glasses fell off my bed and I was so scared when touching around from the bed because I thought my backpack might bite me as a serpent lol...).

I forgive you and mom for doing what you did last year, but if people would hear my side of the story, they'd realize that things could have been handled more efficiently. I told mom recently that I will never forgive her if she pushes me to that point again. This time I mean it- no matter how much she might hurt, I would not forgive her for taking away my freedom, my control over my freedom, and my ability to earn $'s to support myself and others (my German Shepherd that I had been planning for for months).

Now, I realize, it doesn't matter what people hear and what opinion they have of me. Only one opinion matters, and He knows me through and through, to the last strand of stressed hair that's on my head.

He loves me no matter what I do, how many times I fall and have to pick myself up afterwards, and even when I said that I hated him for giving me such a cursed existence, He knows that I was immature and that I will not turn from him again. That same night (2 mini wine coolers) I told God that I hated him, I swore at him, and I told Lucifer to come into my room and into my bed. I told the devil to take me because I hated myself for what I had become again: someone so desperate who would offer herself to her 1st boyfriend for $ just for the chance to see him and the place she loved again...and who was rejected by him because he's still not a true man even after all these years. Also, around New Year's last year, people started passing away; good people who had a lot more to offer to the world and who had families that needed them still. See below...this is what happened that moonlit night. 

The moon started turning, the clouds were racing, and I was lying in bed...dying on the inside again after Uncle Steve, Tom Bartelmo (sales manager at my company and former coworker), and other people started dying around New Years. The guy who I thought liked me also started turning away from me, even as a friend. I started thinking about my past 1st boyfriend and I imagined him to take form in the devil. And I thought back to how in 2010 I told God I would take it all- the shame, the blame, the bad...just so Alex would not have nightmares anymore and could breathe more freely. And maybe could then work hard so he'd have the $ to come see me, even as a friend. I also told God to let T and M live together in peace and happiness and fly away and that I would sacrifice Alex's and my happiness for them. Don't know why I thought like that. I guess I was ready to go. I even told God that Lucifer still had a soul and that I'd try saving him....big big mistake. Back then I was still so...immature/optimistic? Never will I pity the devil again. He has no soul (at least not right now...or maybe his soul is trapped inside the lava under the earth? Either that or the North Pole lol with Santa Claus hehhehe). 

Back to the people who passed last year, these were all, what I thought, good people who had been so kind to me like father figures (but not because they weren't close to me). I wasn't close to any of them because I shut myself in so completely I lost my ability of speech again. By the time I realized that I should have attempted more and had I been more grateful for my own life... it was always too late. 

There I go again, regretting because of my elephant memory :/ and I need to go take a crap now. Ugh ok, 3 craps later (it was pretty cold this morning) I feel better.

Anyways, D, God loves you too. He loves you more than mom, dad, me and Jenny and your bf's and friends combined, love you. You are forever in his care, and he won't yell at you/slap you because you messed up and didn't boil the ramen right ;p (mom lololol wtf). However let's be clear: that is the only time she slapped you. J and me, as you documented, got the shit beaten out of us and I practiced not crying out loud anymore so that she wouldn't feel victorious during those beatings. Back to more important things->

He will not let you down- he is so clever and so omnipotent that even if the sky crashed down tomorrow- he'd erect an invisible pillar to shield you from it. And he welcomes you, when it is your time, many years down the line, into his kingdom, to take your place as a daughter of God and lawful citizen of heaven. I have never smoked marijuana as you know, and have never touched drugs aside from the prescribed shit, but you need to go back. And believe that there are good people and good things in store for you. Don't rely on others to make yourself happy, just work on your faith and your self-worth. Don't look into the mirror too long and start finding faults- you are beautiful on the inside and that's what can't change unless you let it change.

You are in charge of your gifts and in charge of your can't control thoughts but you can control how you handle them.

Ok, I need to get ready for work. To be continued in <3<3<3

Always, your big sister A.Lieu

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Shades of Cool, Shades of Blue

Before I realized it, July has come and almost gone. Summer is flying by at the speed of light and the days are warming up quite nicely (though I prefer autumn weather).

I am now 27 years old (officially in my late 20's) and even though each year gets less special, this birthday was made sweet by a couple close friends and my family of course. What's new with me? A couple golden highlights, a few outings since my last update, and I finally booked my vacation to China.  

It has been 3 years since I last saw my grandparents and this year, seeing them healthy and happy is particularly important for me. I want them to know that I'm doing well also, that my personal issues are put behind me, and that I still think of them often. The older they get, the more afraid I sometimes feel that if I don't make it to China more often, I'll never see one of them again. SOON we shall meet again!!! I'm very excited and will do my best to lose more weight so that for once (when I'm in CHina), no one will make a stupid remark about my "healthy" or "sturdy" body size...hahaha. Can't believe it's less than 1 month until my tattoo (I get cold shivers just thinking about needles puncturing close to my ribs eeek >.<).

Music I have been listening to lately : Lana Del Rey's new album, particularly "Shades of Cool", "West Coast", "Money Power Glory", "Don't Go" by Wretch 32, "Illest" by Far East Movement, some Amy WInehouse, and of course the Red Hot Chili Peppers. It's funny for me to look back and see what music was favored at certain points over the years. Oh and I still have 1 Britney song on my CD's too hahaha. 

Recent photos- all blue everything. Cause blue is just the coolest color ever :p

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Tea-party at the Mandarin Oriental

K's white peach tea

Cherry and Apricot Jam with Cream
my Lychee white tea

those are sugared rose petals on top of the tarts
these scones were the best ever! Sooo good I could have eaten 20- sadly everyone only got 2 T.T 
chocolate lollipop with mango in the center 
the little cake on the left was the only item I didn't find tasty...weird spongy texture 
our fabulous view

On my 2nd day in Vegas, we took the elevator up the Mandarin Oriental hotel to have afternoon tea at 1 pm. The place is pretty small and I can see how you need reservations early on. We were promptly seated and I excitedly took my place on the blue sofa. All 4 of us ordered the prix fixe again and we each chose a different kind of tea: I went with the lychee white tea, which was pretty good but not quite as fragrant as the white peach tea my friend ordered. The best part of this tea party consisted of 3 layers of little sandwiches, scones, deviled eggs, and various sweets. My favorite was clearly the scone- so soft and light and paired with the cherry jam and cream- just heavenly... Next time I think I'd order just the little savory sandwiches and these scones to go with my tea =^.o=

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Saint in Sin City

This weekend was my 1st time in Las Vegas, a place known for debauchery and every sort of entertainment you can imagine. So what would you say if I told you I had a total of 1 alcoholic beverages (grey goose cranberry naturally), did NOT dance on any tables, only gambled away 60$, and didn't even visit a club, strip club,  or Thunder Down Under show? I'd say I probably need to go to Vegas again XD- however for my 1st visit, it was a very fun and pleasant PG experience and the food here was a.m.a.z.i.n.g. (I apologize in advance for image quality here- only used iphone upon arrival -.-)

1st Dinner in Vegas: RAKU Japanese Grill (also the 1st time I did not have any sushi at a Japanese place)
this grossed me out a little (raw egg!) so it was the only dish I didn't touch :p
Kobe Steak and pig ear- soo soo good 

intestine on a stick that actually tasted really good! (and I usually stay away from any kinda intestine)
One of Raku's signature dishes: the TOFU! It twas everything tofu should be...let's leave it at that ;) 

fried rice balls...yummy
Next Stop: Sweets Raku (in the same stripmall)
these candy tin boxes on the wall were adorable

Surprise! the menu is edible too =^.^=
we all ordered the prix fixe so we could try as many different desserts as possible

the fairest of them all: this was the most beautiful creation (they were allll delicious though) and I wish I could come here every day...or have them open a new location closer by!
my favorite judging on taste alone- the pear inside was excellent

What I ordered: chocolate lovers AHOY 


everything prepared right in front of you and their work is stunningly delicate and beautiful as well as tasty 

I didn't want this dreamy meal to end but alas- at least we end on a delicious note: the best creampuff I have ever had (look at the tiny cubed marshmallows!) I knew the Japanese had a penchant for creating the most adorable things on earth (hello Hayao Miyazaki, Totoro, riceballs, bento boxes, and HelloKitty...) but this Sweets Raku place is really special. You MUST come here if you're in Vegas~ promise it will be one of the most heavenly dessert places you will ever experience in life ;)